Sep
17
Secrecy is key
This is a VERY personal blog! Mostly for venting, So it may be a little boring, but anyone is welcomed to stay and look around/ask questions if they wish~
As for a little info about myself,
My Name is Hansel, i am a 15 year old transgendered boy(Ftm) who has lived in a small hic town for my entire life, and you can probably guess what thats like. SO im hoping a personal blog will help with some of the stress since a diary is just something that im NOT EVER doing.
BACKFIRE
Well comming out is starting to have its negative effects. My mom flipped out on me again, but this time it was different… she was saying that this is some sort of a joke for attention and to stir up drama to entertain myself. Which I would never even do and she knows it. She even started crying because i told some of my friends before i told her. I really just don’t understand why she thinks she is so easy to talk to when shes not, i mean look at her reaction, what is she doing now? this is why! I feel bad. Really bad…. she may not be reacting the way i wanted her to but i still love her, and don’t want to see her like this…And Now She doesn’t want my little sisters exposed to it or me telling anyone else so shes locked me away in the house…. I just don’t know what else to do, i cant see any of my friends, i even had to miss one of my best friends birthday today. I just don’t know what to do, i feel like everything’s falling apart and there’s nothing i can do.
FIRST POST
Might as well start with my ‘comming out’ story c;
Alright so, First i came out to my friends. Over facebook none the less. I know that sounds dumb, but comming out is scary and it worked the best for me. I only have REALLY close friends added on face book so it wasnt so scary.. but news travels fast in small towns.
But my mom doesnt have a FB so i had to tell her a little differently, And she took the news horribly, But Im just so glad she knows and i can finally come out to the world. If your interested heres how it happened,
So I wrote my mother a little note explaining that i was an ftm, and after MONTHS of contemplating about how and if i should or even could give it to her… with a gentle nudge from my darling friend Maisie I was able to build up the courage to finally let her see it. And thank you so much for that nudge Masie. You gave me the courage i needed to be myself. Anyways, Of course I didnt want to be anywhere near my mother when she read it sooo I went off to a friends house to hide away wile it sunk in. My lovely sweetheart sister was kind enough to take the letter and deliver it to my mother after i was gone.
Let me tell you, those two days.. waiting and wondering were hell. I probably did some things i shouldnt have. But thats a story for another time. So when my mother finally came to get me, everything started out normal.. She asked if i had a good time and of course i said yes, things were silent after that for a wile, untill she burst out laughing. She told me my gender was not optional. And that i was always talking about how I just want to be myself and i was a hypocrite for that. She said to just accept myself for what i am and what im not. I tried to tell her that I already had, why couldn’t she? I told her I just knew that im a boy, iv always known. And that i cant go on like this, i hate it. Everytime someone calls me a girl or she or miss i get sick to my stomach. I feel like its not me… it cant be me they’re talking to. But it always is. And it hurts so much to accept that. I dont wanna accept that… I wont let people like you force that on me. Im going to be happy, or im going to die trying. And im going to do it with your support or without it. She really didnt like that. And argued, i didnt try to argue back. I told her what was what and there was nothing more i could do at this point. So we went home. And here I am, happy as ever, as Hansel, as myself. A boy.
